In the summer of 2020 with COVID gaining momentum and regular life routines going by the wayside, I never would have imagined that Zoom rooms would become a regular part of my life. This started with Stephanie Holmes’ invitation to join a Zoom group she was starting. It was aptly called “What Happened to My Happily Ever After?” and I reluctantly said yes.
I had no idea what to expect. There were nine of us, all neurotypical wives, in various stages of separation or divorce all from neurodiverse husbands. I spent all of the first meeting just listening. As each woman shared, I was surprised and amazed as they all shared experiences similar to mine. In my heart I was saying me too, me too! As I looked on the screen at the faces of the other ladies in our group, they were all nodding their heads. Yes, they also understood. There was a connection!
This journey for years had been so isolating and I had been so alone. When I would talk to a pastor, a Christian counselor, or even a friend I would hear things like “Submit more” or “Men who’ve been in the military are just like that or “ You must be exaggerating” and “He’s great at church!” As time went on I found myself losing who I was and I learned to just be quiet in order to keep the peace. If I disagreed with something my husband said I was being argumentative and disrespectful. He said he was smarter than I was and he knew more than I did and the Bible says he is the head of me!
You must understand that I am NOT against marriage, I love marriage! I do believe what the Bible says, in context. Not all neurotypical/neurodiverse relationships are doomed to end in divorce, there are many good relationships but there are also unique issues that can create major problems if both partners are not willing to look honestly at the issues and be willing to work on them together.
None of us got married with divorce in mind. As Christian women we planned on being married for a lifetime and the thought of divorce is devastating and humiliating. And to make matters worse, this was another marriage for me after my divorce from my children’s dad, who was a minister who became an addict and turned away from God. I felt like a failure.
In our online group we did talk about what happened in our marriages but we spent most of the time in the word of God and allowing the Holy Spirit to heal our hearts. We prayed for each other, not just during the time we met on online but during the week. We would also share with each other via email. We were comforting & encouraging each other in the same way we had been comforted by the Father. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). This wasn’t planned, it just happened.
Over the past almost three years this group has continued with new people joining in and established ladies moving on. Many of those who have left are staying in touch and we’ve been able to cheer each other on as our lives are being restored; we celebrate victories and cry with each other and encourage one another when life is too hard. We can’t change the past and we can’t change other people. That is a choice each of us has to make, to allow God to change and heal us.
This group has been going on now for almost three years with a few of the original participants and many new ones. It’s been a safe and supportive place for all of us. It has been a blessing to see women who when they started with the group, could only cry, but now can offer encouragement and hope to others. God doesn’t stop working in our lives just because our marriages ended.
I love Dan & Stephanie’s tag line“There is no exclusion in Jeremiah 29:11”
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. There is hope for the future no exclusion clause in Jeremiah 29:11. There is a hope for the future!